i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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