I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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