went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
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PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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