This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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