worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
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i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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