Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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