My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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