I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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