Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
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Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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