You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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