I think my vagina is haunted
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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