i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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