I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
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Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
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When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize