I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
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she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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