I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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