Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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