apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize