You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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