If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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