"it" just moved
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
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Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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