Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
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I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
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I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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