dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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