I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
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I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
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I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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