If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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