this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize