Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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