You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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