Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
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He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
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I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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