I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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