He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
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