Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize