Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
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Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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