so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
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Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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