I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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