I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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