don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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