Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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