An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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