Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
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she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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