I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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