Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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