Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
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How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
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Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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