That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
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we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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