Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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