I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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