I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
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Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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