I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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