how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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