He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
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The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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