I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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